Where I Should Be

“I should be there,” the thought struck me within moments of seeing the video pop up. “I would be there; I would be doing this, too.” It wouldn’t leave me.

I found myself lost in my thoughts as I tried to listen heartedly to the amazing message they were sharing. I soon accepted I needed to give way to my feelings, to hear the sadness I felt, the yearning to be there was real and needed my attention.

I felt envy. Envy of their progress; envy of their friendship; envy of their learned lessons; envy of their position; envy of their impact – the visible, palpable impact. The impact I know is real because I was impacted from them. I was part of that impact, and in fact a product of it. But I felt envy that they were there and I sat listening on the other side of the screen.

It is sometimes hard to make real that I was there.

And sometimes it’s hard to remember that I am no longer there.

How do I accept my yearning, my envy, my sadness from change? How can I honor the wonderful work they do despite no longer being there, a part of it? How can I move on from the place where I always go back to feeling like I am meant to be?

I believe I am where I should be.

Where I’m needed to be.

It’s not where I envisioned being – on the other side of the screen, half a coast away, separated by more than miles. Missing the familiarity and comfort of being a part of something that I have the benefit of history with, despite the challenges that were experienced with that journey of time.

I’m still there, but here.

I wouldn’t be here without having been there. And I marvel at the gift of spreading the “there” to places beyond physical closeness. I’m disconnected and saddened to not be in the meetings, on the emails, in the circles of conversation and coffee.

And then I recall this question:

“We asked mothers what they have received… and come to cherish… from The Motherhood Collective.” https://vimeo.com/45003229

“The courage to try new things.”

And the impact of being there, five years ago, has not diminished. Rather, it has grown in magnitude and conviction, through the change in place that I find myself now.

I did not intend to get the courage to move across country. I did not envision being here, yearning for there. I did not think I’d have the courage to even try to have an impact on other women like The Motherhood Collective had on me. At the time, I thought I was pretty dang courageous just being there. Giving my baby an avocado and spending more than $28 on a baby carrier – Brave Mom, here I come.

I won’t pretend that I don’t have these feelings of doubt about where I should be.

But I know that I’m here for reason. That reason was shaped from my being there. I’m here with courage to do things I never thought I would be doing.

And a part of me will always be connected there – for which I am truly, truly grateful.

Learn more about The Motherhood Collective on their website or Facebook.

 

Dear Ava Hawkins

Dear Ava,

Your birth story is so special. As a friend, looking in, I wanted to share my memories of your arrival – though as you’ll see, you had some plans of your own to influence that! Your older sister Brooke’s birth story is here, for when you’re ready to read. But don’t go comparing yourselves. Both beautiful girls, both beautiful stories. 😉

Photo Credit: Celia Kelly Photography

Brooke was very excited to announce the news to everyone!

I was more than excited when your mom told me that she was pregnant with you.❤ Finally!!! I needed a baby fix, your mommy and daddy needed a new baby, and I knew that Brooke would be so happy to have a brother or sister to play with and grow up with. Your mom mentioned how quickly time was going by with your pregnancy, which I know is so true. Brooke kept her busy – and she was even watching other little kiddos, too! Including mine sometimes! I was impressed; it’s not easy growing a baby inside you and keeping up with everything else, especially little kids. But she did it wonderfully! I know she really enjoyed the moments that your daddy would play with your big sister so she could have some quiet, rest time.

She even managed to look gorgeous throughout!

After our multiple moves – from Virginia to Vermont/North Dakota/Vermont, I was so grateful that I would again be local for your mom’s delivery. Your mom came rushing to my youngest’s birth in March 2015… straight from Manchester to North Bennington for Weston’s very quick arrival one Friday night! I was so glad to have her there – that everything worked out and she could come be with me. We didn’t make big plans about your delivery … though we often joked about how convenient my house is being that it is literally RIGHT beside the hospital! We knew that your GG, Tracee, would be there, and your dad – all very capable and supportive. But I hoped that it would work out that I could… only time would tell with three kids of my own!

I was glad to have been able to attend a few events FOR YOU prior to your arrival, though! The gender reveal was a lot of fun! I brought all my little boys to your house and your mommy and daddy had a get together with family and friends. They had a big box decorated, filled with balloons and got to open it in front of everyone. That’s when we knew that you were a little sister for Brooke! More fun, girly goodness for me to share since I have all boys. : )

Next up was your surprise baby shower. It was so, so beautiful. Held at Hildene, where your daddy works. It was a gorgeous Vermont fall day. And, I didn’t have any kids with me so I got to enjoy it like a grown up. 😉 The food, decorations, and love for you were all truly amazing!

Your mama text me and let me know that she needed an ultrasound after they weren’t sure of your position. Even though SHE was sure… you kept your foot right up high where she could feel it. But, she consented to be sure. And at the ultra sound, your fluid levels were a bit low. So, she had a detail scan scheduled.

In the meantime, we scheduled our new puppy coming-home day for Friday, November 11. Your mom chuckled and said “Oh good, we’ll get to have newborns at the same time again!” 🙂 I wouldn’t want her to do it alone, ha! Also in the meantime, my household got sick! I managed to stay healthy, but first Weston, then Carter, then Landon got hit by a sickness… clearly contagious, and a bad sign for me getting to be at your birth!

Fortunately, by mid-week, the boys were all on the mend. Friday morning came and your mom went to her ultrasound, I had the little boys home, and my husband Michael went at got our new puppy! I thought, whew, back on track. Until I got a message from your mom that… now’s the time. They needed to get labor started since your fluid levels were even lower. OK, here we go! She insisted she wasn’t ready. Your dad was at work, Brooke didn’t know the plan, she hadn’t eaten… But, I insisted that she WILL be ready, it’s just the way it works. Tracee was with her so she was in great hands, and I told them to call or text me as soon as they could and knew what was going on.

Zero to sixty. It’s a theme – you’ll see.

Once your mom got to the hospital (right up the street from me, so I felt nearby, even though I wasn’t there), she was able to get settled a bit and get things sorted out. I think it holds very true that a mom needs to feel at peace with conditions to have a smooth birth – most of the time at least. Little things on our mind can really hold up the process. Once she knew that Brooke was all set with your great grandma, your dad was on his way, your mom got to eat a bit, and there was an induction plan, the air felt a bit more settled. I kept checking in via text but we assumed that it might take a bit… or might be immediate… It was about eight hours until I put my little guys down to bed and was able to head up to the hospital myself.

When I arrived, your mom was on the monitor for an hour because they had just given her the second dose to get things going. So, we all passed some time trying to keep her mind off being in the bed. Your grandpa’s text messages were especially entertaining. And your dad kept himself busy monitoring the “TACO” reading on the monitor (ask him about it, you’ll get a good laugh, too!) As soon as we were able, we got up and started walking the halls. Your mom liked to just about sprint out the door, down the hallway past the nurse’s station… at least it felt like it to me. She was speedier than I expected. So, being the good friend/doula that I am, I insisted on some deep squats to break up our workout. She was a trooper even with the stink-eye that I sometimes was given. Since we didn’t have stairs to go up/down on to squat, we used a chair and a bench in place. GG kept saying “That’s good!” when your mom would complain 🙂 it really was good, ha!

Your mom started getting more uncomfortable and wanted to get in the tub – but she was told that she needed to wait to make sure she reached 4cm and encouraged to use the shower instead. Not pleased, but better than nothing. We got to the shower stall and she was able to sit on the bench and use the moving shower head to put the hot water right on her back/stomach where you were making her the most uncomfortable. She was still having good contractions through this – but had another hour to go until she was due to be checked (and receive another dose if needed… hoping not!). Your dad kept busy watching the TACO 😉 and GG and I kept your mom company in the shower area – enjoying your grandpa’s messages still. By this time it was around 12:30 am.

Your sweet bed that was waiting for you. Everyone was ready for bed 😉

When your mom got out of the shower, she really wanted to get in the tub. It looks so nice and inviting. We finally were able to convince the nurse to check and — ahh — good news. She had progressed to a 4! No more medicine needed, and they could wake the midwife so she could get in the tub. But your mom was frustrated, understandably, and everything seemed to be moving a bit slower than ideal. I knew that as soon as she got in the tub, she’d get some relief and some much needed rest. After all, she hadn’t planned on being in labor tonight and was TIRED by this point!

I had a dilemma, I needed to be home by 3:30 am because my husband was leaving… but I planned to get the 2-3 hours of sleep then, get a babysitter to sleep while the boys slept so I could go back around 4 am, and I was sure you’d arrive by the time my boys got up. I didn’t have a babysitter for the day, so I needed to get a couple hours of sleep to keep up with them the rest of the day.

It was SO hard. But I left your mom with your very supportive GG and dad and knew that they’d get her in the tub soon. I told Tracee to text me and I’d get in touch around 3:30-4 to check in and come back. I drove the 1 minute down to my house and fell asleep immediately knowing that I’d soon need energy to finish labor support!

Well, I woke up at 3:30 am as planned. But I also woke up to news of YOUR ARRIVAL! Wait, what?! And checking the time stamp, saw that Tracee had text me just 15 minutes after I left… saying that it was time. And then about 27 minutes after I left, you were earthside!

So, my account of your arrival is not first hand from this point on. But I can say, that it went from zero to sixty. Or maybe, from ten to sixty. 😉 I just couldn’t believe it. Had my drive been further, I would’ve seen the text and been back there… or maybe I wouldn’t have made it back had my drive been further.. or maybe.. ah. Cannot dwell on that – because that would be selfish of me. I wish so badly that I had been there. But I can say wholeheartedly that I am so impressed by, in awe and proud of your mom. Having had a very quick birth with Weston, I know it is intense. And she let me know that there was a bit of confusion among those in the room about just HOW QUICKLY you really were coming! Here’s the story from your mom: “I had maybe 5-6 contractions in the water. Fifth one I said I had pressure but wasn’t sure. Sixth one I said ok check me and she said 7 cm but not sure so to get out. I got on bed and two contractions later she was on my chest.” The midwife started yelling “We’re having a baby NOW!” 🙂 I wish I had been in the room — but I’m sure they had more than enough people to work around as it was. That water sure does seem to do it for your mom to progress!! Her water must have broken in the tub “felt like I peed”- though no one really noticed it and it wasn’t much.

Six pounds, fourteen ounces. Dark hair (!!) Seventeen inches. A little sister for Brooke, a big blessing for everyone. Happy day of birth, Ava Hawkins. November 12, 2016 – thank you for letting me be a small part of it. Much love, always, Kay. ❤

 

 

 

 

A sister, a friend forever.

“Motherhood has the greatest potential influence in human life.” Photo: Celia Kelly Photography

 

Weston Matthew’s Birth Story, Part 3

In case you want to get caught up, here are the first parts of Weston’s Birth Story: Part 1, Part 2.

Friday morning I woke up with a bit more energy than I had felt the last few mornings. I had a pretty decent list of things on my to-do list and got started right away by running out to meet a mama who was taking out a baby carrier. I carried both Landon and Carter in my arms to my car because we ran out without shoes and it was snowing! Then it was off to CVS with Kerry to stock up on…. disposable diapers and coca cola (two things I never buy, but knew would be good to have on hand for Daddy in case I didn’t get another chance to get to the store before baby!). More than anything, the trip to the store was something I tried to do as much as possible to keep us on the move and staying busy those last few days. I didn’t want to be easily reachable for the questions about when baby was coming, aren’t I ready to have him yet, yadayada. 🙂

My facebook update that morning.. “No Table.” Clearly I was feeling rather cheeky!

Back home, we made lunch – grilled cheese, greek yogurt, and strawberries. The boys’ favorite! And then had rest time. I joined! I think part of me must have known that the baby was coming soon. I wanted to savor this day with Landon and Carter. After resting time, we went down and visited Daddy, who was working in the lower level of where we are living. On our way down the long hall, I played a game with the boys of jumping up trying to reach the ceiling then squatting down like a frog. They thought it was a hilarious game — little did they know they were being my doulas helping me with labor prep!

Around 3:00 pm I told Landon and Carter it was time for a junk food picnic on the stairs. We brought a pack of skittles to the big stairway in our building and I told them mommy had to walk up and down the stairs and they could sit there and have a “junk food treat” on the landing and watch me. I started doing the stairs, squatting deep as I went up and down, two stairs at a time. With Carter’s labor, I spent a lot of my labor with my doula on our basement stairs doing these deep squats and was amazed at how they helped me progress. Apparently this looked super fun to them because instead of sitting and watching, they joined. They definitely thought I was crazy but they also thought it was really fun. I felt tightening but nothing too intense. We decided to head back to our apartment around 4:15 so we could get dinner ready and I figured I would do more of the stairs again later that night.

Walking the stairs with me!

The picnic. I guess I would’ve rather walked the stairs, too!

I called Michael around 5:15 letting him know dinner was almost ready and checking when he would be up from work. I mentioned that I was pretty sure we would be having the baby within a couple days – I just had a feeling. I noticed contractions about 7-10 minutes apart after dinner but they weren’t too intense and I was sure it was just from my stair workout so I didn’t think much of it. Michael wanted the boys to go to his parents’ house so I could get a good night’s sleep but they were busy right then and I assured Michael we could wait until after the game to bring them over… if we decided we need to bring them at all. Duke was playing in the NCAA tournament! I decided to sit in the bath for a minute and shortly had Carter, then Landon join. I didn’t mind since I planned on taking a nice long shower later, anyway!

We all got out of the tub and I sat on the chair in the livingroom watching the boys … trying to get the motivation to get them dressed. Then POP. I felt a light contraction and a pop and bit of water come out. I was shocked since my water hadn’t broken until I was in transition with Carter and was broken by my doctor with Landon. I let Michael know – who was in the bathroom – and I think I had to repeat “I think my water just broke” a couple times before either of us really believed it. He quickly got up and came out to start assessing the situation: three naked people (myself and the boys!), a messy kitchen from dinner prep, and toys everywhere. Ha! We had been doing such a good job keeping everything clean and ready… go figure!

6:48 pm: I text my midwife and let her know that I thought my water had broken and contractions were 7-10 minutes apart. We decided that I’d let her know if anything changed. Then I text my friend Amanda who was going to be labor support and let her know. I told her she should still go to her soccer game in Manchester and to plan on just coming down after. Michael was busy getting the boys dressed in PJs and the kitchen cleaned up. Within 10 minutes the contractions were a lot closer — and I decided to call my sister Kerry to come get the boys. That’s when I realized how close the contractions were. Our very short conversation was sandwiched between two contractions that I couldn’t talk through. I text my midwife again letting her know that the contractions were in fact more like 2-3 minutes apart and intense. Amanda let me know she wasn’t going to the game (before I even mentioned how close they were!) and she was on her way. Michael got the boys off to my sister as I managed to put some clothes on then take position hugging my labor ball, rocking back and forth on my knees on the floor.

Things were moving so much faster than I had imagined. There was certainly no need for me to be squatting and walking up and down the stairs to help things progress! In fact, I was trying my best to slow things down as I waited for my midwives and friend to get there. I was upset I didn’t have time to take my shower! Around 7:20 I realized things weren’t slowing down and told Michael he should probably fill the tub even though the midwives weren’t there yet since it was all I wanted — to get into the water! Jenn and Kalei arrived at 7:48 pm and I had never been so excited to see anyone! Amanda arrived shortly after and things were ready to go. Well, almost. We had run out of hot water! And the tub was pretty darn cold. But all I wanted was to get in it. AH! Jenn decided I could get in even though it was pretty cold and although it was far from ideal, it felt amazing. I was sitting with my back against the tub and was feeling so much pressure in my butt – not pushing pressure, but not normal. I told them “I don’t feel 100% pushy but I don’t feel 100% not.” 🙂 Michael apparently got a kick out of this very scientific description that his birth-junkie wife was able to muster. 

They put the thermometer in the tub and I could tell that it wasn’t good news. I was okay to stay in, but they needed to get it warmer. It was 90 degrees and I couldn’t deliver in that temp or the baby could gasp for breath in the shock of the cold water. I think my mind/body decided to stall here to give us time to get it ready. I knew that I needed to change position to deliver the baby but I didn’t want to move and have to get out of the tub. As I laid there on my back, they kept adding hot water that they were boiling on the stove while at the same time taking buckets of the cold water out of the tub and dumping it. Every hot pot of water they poured in felt amazing. I could feel him coming down and was beginning to moan during contractions. Kalei, Amanda, and Michael were working non stop as I was busy asking Jenn “how far away is he?” Of course, I knew that she didn’t know without checking me.. and I wasn’t going to get checked. But she kept nicely responding “I’m not sure, but he’s coming.” She knew that I knew that she couldn’t tell me exactly, but she also knew it was part of what I needed at the time to be asking. I kept complaining about my butt hurting – I could feel him pressing on my bones and just knew that I should be flipped on my knees but I wanted to hear that it was ok to deliver in the water first.

When we reached the magical 96-98 degrees I was thrilled! No more waiting. It was time. I flipped over to my knees and held on to the edge of the tub. Michael and Amanda were in front of me I think – thought my eyes were closed for the most part. I grabbed one handle of the tub and the other hand grabbed Michael. As soon as I flipped I could feel him come down. I got as vertical as I could and felt him go down, then back up a bit. I was louder than I expected and was a bit shocked by this, too! Lauren had been texting Michael and he used her advice to remind me to keep my vocalizations low and deep. I hadn’t felt the “ring of fire” with either of the other boys but I definitely did with this birth! I told them it burns! I can’t do this! I just want him out! All things that I have heard during births and I know are normal feelings, but I think part of being a “birth worker” might make people assume you don’t have these irrational thoughts. But I had to say them – and my birth team was right there to reassure me that yes, I can do it. He WILL come out. And it’s okay for it to burn. I wanted to give my body time to stretch and not force him out as strongly as I did with Carter. Jenn put her hand down and I could feel his head crowning against her hand. That helped so much and I asked her to put her hand back as I was bearing down to deliver his head. After one of the times that he went back up (so frustrating!), I all of a sudden felt like his head was smaller and it came down so much easier. (We realized after that he very likely had his hand up by his face during most of labor and when I felt that change, he had been able to pull his hand down.) That amazing moment when his head was born was such relief. I welcomed the break in contractions and let his head stay there while I gathered energy to deliver his shoulders and body on the next contraction.

The best feeling! ❤

No rush, just savoring the moment and grateful.

9:18 pm his body was born and I rolled back onto my back and he was brought up out of the water and placed on my chest. A birth that was more intense and much faster than I was prepared for – but was everything I wanted. In an instant, I felt so incredibly thankful and in love all over again. With the extra days of anticipation and added anxieties of not getting to have the birth I wanted, having accomplished the birth and having him in my arms was just that much sweeter.

Skin to skin as we wait for the placenta… Laying on the floor beside the tub.

Weston Matthew Becker joined our family earthside Friday, March 27, 2015 at 9:18 pm, weighing 9 lbs and 6 ounces, 22 inches long, delivered in the water after about 1.5 hours of labor.

We spent the next two hours in our own bed as our midwives checked us both and everything looked great. By 11:30, it was just Michael, Weston (who still didn’t have a name at that point), and myself. His brothers were the first to meet him the next morning when they came down in their pajamas. I am so grateful for my amazing birth team and this amazing experience. ❤

Weston Matthew – about 2 hours old.

Carter meeting Weston.

Landon meeting Baby Table 🙂

Weston Matthew, Part 2

Part 2 — The Wait, Past Due —

So the “due date” came… and passed. It’s interesting that everyone assumes you want pregnancy to be over. I enjoy pregnancy and despite the extra effort it took to get out of bed, I was still enjoying this pregnancy even “past due.” While we didn’t make any trips across country or anything, we did take a few trips to the “big city” of Albany to go shopping and keep ourselves busy. The tub was set up, and all the supplies were neatly packed and labeled at our apartment for whenever the time came. The lack of stress and pressure was so nice… it was important to me to continue enjoying our family of four until this baby decided to turn us into a family of five.

At Chuck-E-Cheese’s around 40w2d. I rocked skee ball!

There were probably 5-6 days in a row where I woke up in the morning and was surprised that I hadn’t given birth while I was sleeping that night. It was the strangest feeling – like I couldn’t believe that there wasn’t a baby and that I was still pregnant! It would take almost a full minute before I would snap out of it and really wake up and acknowledge that I still had a very pregnant belly! 🙂 Landon was eager to meet baby Table, too, and would talk to him. One day he even started asking Baby Table directly when he was going to come out and play with him!

I did do what I could to try to make my body ready for labor and birth. I knew the importance of having the baby in a good position, so I spent a lot of time doing the side-lying leg release and sitting on the birth ball. Having had a posterior labor and delivery with Landon, and then not with Carter, I was determined to do all I could to not have to deal with that during this labor!

🙂

It wasn’t until the end of Week 41 that anxiousness began to creep in. It was NOT because I was miserable being pregnant. But I began to fear that my hopes and plans for this birth were going to be taken away from me due to technicality of dates. Generally, 42 weeks is when you get induced. Being in those final days before this “deadline” was causing me stress and I couldn’t accept having at least a chance at the birth I had been planning for. An added stress was that I tested GBS positive during this pregnancy, after being negative with both Landon and Carter. Michael, myself, and our midwives had done lots and lots of research and reading and came to decisions for our homebirth that we were all comfortable with regarding the GBS, but I knew that if I ended up having to go to a hospital, this would be yet another thing that I would have to fight against and go up against policy.

I had well-meaning sympathy and suggestions, and I was trying to be careful not to misspeak about why it was important to me to be able to birth at home. It is not that I am against hospital birth at all – I have attended beautiful births in the hospital! But my wish for this birth was to have it home, intimate, and mother-led. Honestly, I wanted the option to deliver in the water more than anything else!! And it was against our hospital’s policy to deliver in the water. That might sound silly, but you’ll read more about how strongly I felt about this in the next part of Weston’s birth story!

My not-so-subtle facebook profile picture I put up to help avoid the questions!

During the last few days of pregnancy, I did what really needed to happen. I broke down and told Michael, my midwife, and my closest friends my fears and apprehensions. I didn’t want to lose control of this birth — anymore than we already don’t have control over any birth! A few great things happened: my husband calmed my crazy. No, really. It’s what he’s really, really, really good at doing. He has this amazing ability to take all the crazy that I have running through my head and put me at ease. I don’t know how he does it, but I’d be lost without it. My friend Lauren suggested I journal. I wrote in my journal all my crazy thoughts. I wrote to the baby, telling him I just wanted to be able to give him the best birth, and that I was scared about some things, but that it was safe out here and we were ready for him. I wrote about how much I love pregnancy and how I was afraid that I was keeping myself pregnant because I selfishly didn’t want it to be over yet. I wrote while taking my nightly bath; I wrote while bouncing on the birth ball; I wrote while using my breast pump! And gosh, journaling brought on stronger contractions than anything else I had done. It was amazing. And at my 41 week appointment, we discussed with our midwives our options. She reassured us that as long as mom and baby were healthy and happy, she has happy. And the 42 weeks was not a deadline – if we got there, all hope for my plans were not going to be thrown out. This was a huge relief – as was having the baby checked out and looking healthy! His head was nice and low, and he responded perfectly to a NST. I wrapped up a few lose ends I had for the babywearing group and took the boys to the park or for a treat whenever I could… More so than taking castor oil or driving on a bumpy road or whatever other “induction ideas” there are, these are the things that I needed to do to “make labor start.”

I wrapped my belly in this wrap, natibaby “Haven” which is dedicated to homebirth, waterbirth, and midwifery. Wrapping felt amazing, and was comforting to wrap and enjoy my belly for however many more days he would be inside.

Weston Matthew’s Birth Story, Part 1

Weston Matthew’s Birth Story, Part 1

We found out that baby number three was in fact baby boy number three accidentally at the dating ultrasound. Turns out I was already around fifteen weeks at the first ultrasound when we got moved back to Vermont. Shortly after, I also found out that homebirth would be an option for me and I was thrilled because I had been a bit apprehensive about the homebirth situation living in North Dakota. I had even seriously considered what would be involved to deliver back in Lynchburg, Virginia at “home” with my midwife from Carter’s pregnancy. Had it logistically been simple, I probably would have done it… but with two other small children at home it wasn’t that simple. And I was relieved to finally find peace with a care provider and birth plan that was what I wanted.

Landon and Carter loving on baby “Table”

A note about Baby Table — When we told Landon that he was going to have another baby, he was excited. But he was also adamant that this new baby was going to be a “tiny Carter.” He didn’t want a different new baby, he just wanted another, tiny-version of Carter 🙂 However, after seeing the ultrasound picture, he must have realized that this baby was in fact going to be different from Carter and began calling him “Table.” If you asked him what we were going to name the baby, he immediately would reply with “Table.” Any conversation about the new baby would refer to him as Table. Apparently in the ultrasound picture, he looked like a table, though I still haven’t been able to figure out exactly where he got that from! But up until the day of delivery, it was Baby Table in mommy’s belly (and even now Landon is convinced that his middle name should be Table).

I spent most of this pregnancy trying to keep busy to pass time as Michael was living thousands of miles away in North Dakota. Fortunately Landon and Carter kept me on the go – and I got involved in lots of local “mom” stuff to fill my days. I felt better the busier I was, and this stayed true through the entire pregnancy. I was fortunate to feel really pretty great for most of all of my pregnancies, and the biggest struggle with this one was that it seemed the boys and I were constantly dealing with some sort of cold or stomach bug – without Daddy home to help.

They kept me busy!

Babywearing meet ups were a fun distraction!

The “plan” was for Michael to be back in Vermont by first week of March, 2-3 weeks before my “due date.” Maybe it was all of the extra demands on my body, but in mid-February, I felt the baby drop and engage in my pelvis. I knew that since this was baby #3, it didn’t mean anything for certain… other than a lot of discomfort! But I felt I needed to tell Michael. A few days of no change in the baby’s position and I got a surprise phone call from Michael one day that he was leaving to move back – early! Ah relief! Once he was back, he took on a lot of the responsibilities I had had while he was gone… like carrying two sleeping kids up and down stairs and hauling loads of groceries in from the car! And with that, baby decided to pop back up and stay put a bit longer. I was feeling great, though as the days passed I decided maybe Michael was helping out too much because I was feeling like I was never going to go into labor!

My due date had been calculated as either March 16 or March 18 – and conveniently my birthday is March 17. Michael thought it would be fitting if I ended up delivering on my birthday so I had to “share” my birthday like he always has, since he is a twin. The first birth I attended was actually when my dear friend gave birth on her birthday. So what the heck, that’d be cool… I’d be totally fine spending my birthday in labor! (Needless to say, my birthday came and went without any baby activity.) Although Michael did blow the birth tub up, just to be sure it was in working order, and it was a beautiful St Patrick’s Day green!

Setting up the birth tub!

Then, that night, ah!! I was feeling nauseous! Woohoo. Maybe this was labor… albeit not a fun way to do things, but hey, each birth is different. I vomited and felt terrible. I couldn’t tell if I was feeling contractions or stomach pains or a combination of both. It was terrible and I didn’t get any sleep that night. I was afraid to get up out of bed for fear that it would put me in labor and I just knew that I didn’t have the energy to go through labor in that condition. The next morning I got sick again and thought that maybe it was in fact just a terrible labor symptom and decided to call Jenn and Kalei to come check me out just to see what they thought. I was honestly relieved when they didn’t think it was a sign of imminent labor! I was sure that if it was labor, I wouldn’t have the energy to have the active labor that I wanted. We turned their visit into a prenatal and thought maybe we’d see some “real” activity soon but they suggested I spend the day resting up and feeling better. The boys were going to my in-laws for the day and it was a great opportunity to rest and prepare.

— Part 2 to follow —

Not Everything Can Come

Not Everything Can Come.

Keep on Dreaming…

The lyrics to Eli Young Band’s song “Even if it Breaks Your Heart” make me pause every time I hear them. Especially this:

“Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart
Downtown is where I used to wander
Old enough to get there but too young to get inside”

I need to blog about this sometime. 🙂

Carter Adam’s Birth Story, Part 1

Has it really been almost six months since Carter’s birth? And I still haven’t written his birth story. It’s ironic because I was certain I would be writing this story immediately following his birth out of pure excitement and joy. If you read the story of my first son’s birth, you know that I needed to give myself time before writing his birth story. To let it sink in. To learn from it, reflect on it, and try to understand it – before putting the experience in words. I waited a year and a half before writing Landon’s Birth Story. I needed that time to find the positive in it (other than my precious baby) and I took that time. With Carter, I had a completely different experience and a completely different feeling at the end of the birth. Yet I’ve waited. Why? Honestly, for worry that I won’t be able to write well enough to do my experience justice. So I have had ample time to reflect on the choices I made, the labor, delivery, and first few days. But now I am beginning to worry if I wait much longer the details will lose their freshness in my mind. You know, with the haze that comes from having a toddler and baby in the house. 🙂 It’s also probably a good thing I waited a bit, since if I had written this story immediately after delivery you would have thought I was a bit crazy since it likely would have equated giving birth to dancing on rainbows with unicorns, while having your body massaged with glittery lotion. Yes, I remember having those thoughts, right after delivery. Oh endorphins. Okay, on to the story – before Carter turns one! (or wakes up from his nap….)

Our Decisions: Where?

There are so, so many decisions you face as you are about to bring another life into the world. And while experience can be a great teacher, I thought I had learned enough lessons “the hard way” with Landon’s birth, so following his birth, I started getting educated about my options, reasons why/why not to do certain things, risk/benefits.. before I was pregnant with Carter. A few of my friends from The Motherhood Collective had homebirths. Before having Landon, I was pretty convinced the only people who birthed at home were… well, as crazy as people who think giving birth is like dancing on rainbows with unicorns. Not me. But…. I listened, I heard amazing stories of people who enjoyed giving birth. Okay, I’m starting to get interested. So much of what went awry with Landon’s birth was from unnecessary intervention and lack of personalized care – so the option began to gain appeal. But, Michael would never, ever, ever consider a home birth. But I brought it up. He was skeptical. Isn’t that dangerous? Isn’t that why we have hospitals? (uhm, no, it’s not! but that’s another story for another post) But, the next day at work he brought up this crazy idea his crazy, crunchy wife had. And, one of our employees; a fellow rough-tough construction worker, had a homebirth with their third child and told him how great it was.. better, even, than the two previous hospital births! So, to my absolute shock, he came home and was actually excited about the idea. He joked about it, “So if you have this baby at home, I can be downstairs watching football the entire time, right?” I said sure!, shocked that it was even an option!

If you know my husband Michael, you know pregnancy and birth is not his thing. But trusting me, and making me happy, that is his thing. He supported me – not by asking tons of questions or going to interview people – but by trusting me and letting me know that I had his trust. In the beginning, when I had moments of doubt with my choice to plan a home birth, he encouraged me by reminding me how excited I was about it.

Another major factor was I really, really wanted a water birth. Or at least I wanted to have the option of delivering in the water. While you can labor in the tub at the hospital, you can’t deliver in it. And from stories I heard, it could be a challenge to get the tub into the hospital room, anyway. Being in the water just seemed like it would be so pleasant. (yes, like rainbow-dancing unicorns)

I met with one of the two midwives from Traditional Midwifery of Lynchburg to “interview” and although I will be honest and admit I wasn’t 100% convinced I was making the right choice that first day, the more I thought about it, I realized how nice it was to have somebody care about me, come to my house, talk to me about my plans. From then on, I looked forward to each and every appointment in the cozy home office!

—

Our Decisions: How?

Well, when you plan a home birth, you also plan an entirely natural birth. CPM, Certified Professional Midwives, cannot administer medication and really are there to ensure health and safety of mom and baby through a natural labor and delivery process. I had hoped for a natural birth with Landon, but it didn’t work out. I knew part of that was the environment. The other part was the care providers I chose. I want to emphasize that I encourage everyone to educate themselves and make their own choices that are right for themselves and their family! I do not think that having a home birth is the right choice for everyone! You have to want it and be comfortable with it! Knowing that my “doctor” couldn’t give me an epidural – even I was begging for one – was something I understood and desired from the beginning.

And when I mentioned that my husband and I joked about him being downstairs watching football during the labor and delivery, I actually really wasn’t joking. You might want to take a seat for this. But we both agreed that we would prefer for him to not be there during the labor and delivery. Yes, he is the father of the baby. No, he was not trying to punish me for something. It started out as us joking… “With any luck, I’ll be out of state when it happens!” … “I hope you’re sleeping when I go into labor!” … “Better make sure the tv is working so you can watch it downstairs while I’m in labor.” And when I would say this to many of my friends, I got looks of confusion, questions of “Are you crazy??”, “Aren’t you going to MAKE him be there??” I began to get worried that people would misunderstand our joking, and wanted us to have a serious talk about our plans. One day we took a nice long drive and talked about it. I wanted to make sure he was really okay with missing the labor and birth. Some dads would be devastated to miss it. I didn’t want to take this experience away from him. But really, I knew that having him there would only make me worry about him. With Landon, I didn’t like having him there, (sorry but it’s true) because I couldn’t help but wish that he could get some sleep or be more comfortable. It was a distraction. He didn’t like seeing me in so much pain and not knowing what to do. So, our jokes turned serious during that drive and we really talked about it. He told me he sincerely trusted me to make the best decision – and if I wanted him there, he would be there. But if I trusted in other support people, he would be glad to miss the labor and come see us after. I felt such relief to have this honest conversation. While it seemed so absurd to others, we knew it was the right decision for us. I felt such peace. I would still get nervous telling others of our plan for him to not be there – not because they’d think I was a rainbow-dancing nut, but because I didn’t want them to judge or make incorrect assumptions about Michael. It was just as much my decision as it was his, if not more!

Whew, so now that we got that decision out of the way, I really knew I needed to have a wonderful support system in place. I needed to educate myself as much as possible. I signed up for Childbirth Education classes through Anticipation and Beyond. They were recommended by so, so many. I took one-on-one classes with my instructor in my living room while Landon napped. I learned so much about the process that the body and mind goes through in preparation for birth. It’s amazing how little I knew even after already having delivered a baby! The visual aids were so helpful. And through the education, I was faced with options and made decisions with knowledge on my side. I’ll talk about some of the decisions when I get to writing about the actual delivery, but basically I decided: Birth is natural; my body is designed to do this and I will trust my body. I felt empowered and in control. (while still understanding that birth can be completely unpredictable! I also wrote a Birth Preferences letter in case a transfer to the hospital was necessary)

A decision I made before we even thought about having another baby after Landon was that I was going to have a doula. My childbirth educator was also my choice for a doula. I cannot say enough times how beneficial I feel doulas are. Especially with our decision to have Michael not involved with the birth, I knew I needed that support. Laurie had just begun taking clients again and I was so relieved to know I would have her knowledge and support beside me through everything. More on the awesomeness of doulas coming later!

—

I think this can wrap up part 1 of the story. This is such an important part of the story, though, and I hope you have enjoyed it. I could talk about pregnancy and birth for hours, so if you have any questions, I would love to chat!

Dear Brooke Alexis

Dear Baby Brooke,

I wanted to write this story for you and your mama and daddy. To remember your amazing arrival, see it from my perspective- a friend in awe and absolute love with you from the beginning.

Here we go.

Your mama and I got to experience much of pregnancy together. My little guy, Carter, arrived just three months before you! It was fun traveling this journey with her. We were feeling our babies (you!) kicking and rolling and hiccuping and many of the same moments! You each had very distinct personalities even before you came earthside. Brooke, you liked to stay on just one side of your mama’s belly, and especially liked to make her belly button area stick right out! Your mama was so cute pregnant. And when she found out that the little baby in her belly was a girl, all things pink and pretty started taking over! With two boys, I was glad to get my share of frills, too. ❤

I kind of really love birth – so your mama always had somebody to talk to about anything, and everything!, related to your impending arrival. She talked about her excitement and desire for a natural birth. She did so much research! She impressed me so much with how well she educated herself on her options concerning her pregnancy, your delivery, and early days. Your daddy was supportive of her and went along to fabulous childbirth education classes. He trusted and supported your mama – and that is so very special and important!

After my baby was born and I got to experience a great delivery, I was even more excited for your arrival! Carter’s birth was so special and empowering and I hoped that your mama would get to have just as wonderful an experience with you. Of course, the most important thing any of us wanted was for you to arrive safe and healthy — but as a mama I wanted it to be especially great for your mama.

A couple weeks before your “due date,” your mama started feeling like you weren’t going to be inside all the much longer! Maybe it was wishful thinking, maybe it was you telling her… Either way, she was more right than any of us expected! Now i want to tell you a bit about your grand entrance and the amazing experience that you did make it be! At least she had your closet and crib ready!

I was talking to your mama about her birthday plans. Her birthday was on a Saturday this year and any other year we probably would’ve made some big plans to go out, stay up late… but neither of us were intending on that this year! Your great grandma happened to be in town for the weekend (!) so plans were made to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant. My husband, Michael, left that Friday night for NYC. After he left, I took my boys up to see your mama, daddy, and great grandma for a bit. We relaxed, chatted, and I left around their bedtime. I was planning a lazy weekend – My good friend was on call for a birth as a midwife assistant and I was likely going to be watching her daughter Saturday morning if the mama did in fact go into labor. I was hopeful that she would return in time for me to join for dinner.

Your mama was texting me a bit Friday night about feeling “swooshing” down low and some pressure. I kind of chuckled to myself and assumed she was just being extra hopeful (and maybe a bit dramatic 😉 ha!) I planned to spend the night doing a lot of work around the house – but I felt so tired all of a sudden and got in bed right after my boys fell asleep. Michael forgot his game tickets and had to drive home to get them! He arrived at 12:30, I woke up briefly when he kissed me goodbye (again), and fell back asleep. A bit later, I heard my phone ringing. I didn’t think much of it, though. Then I woke up, panicked, that maybe something had happened to him while he was driving back toward NYC. Well, it wasn’t him. Your mama had called me and then sent me a message. It was around 2:30 am. The message read “Water is breaking”. Wait, what?! Yeah, I blinked a few times. Then a few more. Then I called your mama back and she told me she was pretty sure her water had broken and she was walking around. We talked for a few minutes and I told her to keep me posted, and to try to rest. But I couldn’t rest. I was too excited! I went out to my living room in my quiet house, grabbed my copy of The Birth Book by Dr. Sears and started reading about early labor.

I wrote my friend a quick message – saying I was hopefully going to be at a birth myself. (Fortunately, her mama didn’t go into labor!) After about an hour of chatting, your mama was able to lay down a bit and get some rest. I slept from 5 am until around 7 am when my boys got up. We went to get coffee, run a couple errands, and as soon as I heard from your mama we headed to your house. When I arrived, your daddy was out getting some things for your mama. Your great grandma had been helping your mama as she was pacing around the rooms. And, she had brought home some special treats. After all, **it was your mama’s birthday!!** I got Carter wrapped up on my back, got Landon settled into a show (and playing with your great grandma!) and I got to start spending some good time with your mama as she was working through the early phase of your labor. Tracee (GG) had been called and she was driving from Vermont – so excited and ready to meet you, too! Your mama and I got to walk up and down the stairs. Many, many times. Your mama was a trooper as I sat there, smiling at her as a contraction would come. I kept reminding her that every step she took, every contraction she felt, was getting her closer and closer to meeting you for the first time. Your mama wanted to labor at home for as long as possible and she did such a good job. Not many mama’s are given the gift of being in labor on their own birthday! When GG arrived, things were starting to pick up a bit more. They packed the hospital bag, I helped your daddy get the car seat installed. These were things that were planned to get done the next week – but you were proving that there wasn’t going to be a “next week” for things to get done!

Before long, we decided it was time to head to the hospital. I was so happy that I found a babysitter to watch my boys so I could be there with your family! And I was so happy that I was welcomed there!

When I got to the hospital, your mama was feeling much more uncomfortable. It was becoming more important to remind her that all the hard work and discomfort was so, so worth it. It’s not always easy to remember these things in the moment! She never got too upset or annoyed with me, though 🙂 Her first “check” did not indicate too much progress. It was discouraging to you mama, but she believed me when I reminded her that it didn’t mean much. When we were finally moved to the labor and delivery room, your mama got in the bathtub for a little relief. It was kind of frustrating, though, since the tub wasn’t very deep and your were still very much in her belly, making it hard for her belly to get covered at all by the water! GG, your great grandma, and your daddy were in the room with your mommy and me and were so supportive. The nurse really didn’t like me – but my concern and focus was on your mama. Your daddy had to help the nurses and maintenance guy while were *very anxiously* awaiting the set up of the labor tub.

Everyone helped your mama as she waited and was monitored outside the tub. We encouraged her to walk around, sway her hips, and do gentle squats to make it easier for you to make your way down. The tub was – at very long last – ready!! (I managed to get the nurses quite annoyed with me as I was very insistent on the tub. I hope they forgive me – I was just trying to help your mama!)

Since getting in the tub can sometimes slow things down (since it lets the mama relax!) GG offered to go back to the house, get a few things, and get us all some food. With all the excitement we hadn’t eaten anything. After being in the tub for about an hour, your mama said the contractions, which were very strong at this point, were starting to change and she was feeling the urge to push. None of us thought it meant much, but she insisted. She asked for a nurse to check her again (although we were cautious of the increased risk of infection, and the chance that if she wasn’t far along she would be discouraged). But again, mamas know. She knew that these contractions were different and her body was telling her that you were closer to making your arrival than anyone realized. Your mama stood up when the nurse arrived – and sure enough – she was complete! It was time to get pushing.

Nobody expected things to move so quickly and GG was still gone so we all were frantic to get in touch with her and get her back to the hospital! Your mama really wanted her to be there. She made it back super quick – but didn’t even have time to get food while she was out! Around this time, we got a new nurse. She was GREAT – very helpful, supportive, and funny. Your mama had to work hard for the next three hours! She changed positions, did great breathing, and stayed focused. The hospital staff were great and let all four of us stay in the room with her even though it was against their policy. Your mama really wanted everyone in with her and we were all so happy to be able to be there and share the experience. At one point I got very lightheaded while at your mama’s side and had to sit down. Your daddy quickly grabbed a granola bar. We had been putting cool wet washcloths on your mama’s head and I used one myself! That thing tasted amazing after not eating for such a long time! As things progressed, the delivery nurses began coming in and setting things up for your big arrival. It was a flurry of commotion and excitement. Your mama insisted on the midwife telling her just how much longer she would have to be doing this. “So I’ll have a baby within 30 minutes? You’re sure? NO, I really need to know.” 🙂 The midwife told her, yes, she was sure. Your mama had used different positions – but what really seemed to help was a mirror that helped her focus and see how close you really were. As your head was becoming visible, things in the room got very emotional. At least for me. I was sobbing as I held onto my best friend, at her side while she was becoming a mama for the first time. Your great grandma looked on in awe as her granddaughter was giving birth on the same day that she had delivered her own daughter 27 years earlier. Your daddy had laid out the outfits they had packed for you so nicely and was arranging them; envisioning his little girl he was about to meet for the first time. He stood by your mama and told her how impressed and amazed he was by all she had done. As I wiped away a tear from my eye, I saw GG doing the same from the other side of your mama. She kept telling your mama how great she was doing and how excited she was to see little Brooke!

Your head was born and it seemed like such a long time before the midwife told your mama she could push the rest of you out. But once she did, you shot right out! The tiny little peanut that you are surprised us all! You were quickly put on your mommy’s chest and by this point I had caught sight of tears from your great grandma and daddy, too as I stepped back and watched in adoration.

Welcome to the world, precious Brooke. We are so blessed to have you here. Being with your family as you made your way earthside was one of the most amazing experiences in my life and one I will remember forever. You are so, so loved by so, so many. Love always, Kay ❤

A Good Morning

Hi family! Hi friends! *waves*

The boys and I have been having a good morning. Not that this is unusual, really. But Fridays are generally a bit.. chaotic.. when you own a business, stay home with two young boys — and have a workshop to put on the next day. Anyway, this Friday morning has been great. I got up before either of the boys. When Landon asked to make pancakes, I decided we could make them from scratch. Super mom here. Watch out.

Carter was getting tired after breakfast so I set him in the swing in the living room and he zonked right out. I told Landon I was getting in the shower. Ah, shower before dinnertime. I am seriously on a roll today. In the shower, I was thinking of all these clever things I could write about in a blog post today. Today is certainly the day to write a blog post with lots of witty comments and beautiful family updates. Got out of shower. Feeling like a rock star. A freshly shower, well-caffeinated rock star.

Then I walk out to the kitchen and I see this.

Yes, really.

You know that feeling when you see a mess and you are pretty sure that it is likely impossible that it will EVER be clean again? I do. I’ve felt that before. A lot, actually. But not this morning. For whatever crazy reason, I saw this mess and just kind of smiled. Landon at this point was on the deck, singing. You can see him in the top right picture. He was loading flour onto James (the train) and singing “It’s snowing!! It’s snowing everyywheerree!” He was so happy. And safe. Marley was enjoying a snack while simultaneously helping me clean… Carter was safely out of the path of powdery mess. I have extra flour in the pantry. He didn’t choose the eggs. I needed to mop anyway, but likely wouldn’t have for another few days had my creative toddler not given me the extra boost to get it done. The dog and deck both needed a good washing, too.

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have preferred to be writing a fun blog post and not scrubbing my floor. And I’m not saying that similar situations haven’t occurred in the past with a slightly (ha) different reaction from me. But today, I’m not upset. I’m rewarding myself with another cup of coffee and a few minutes sitting down to write this post. Our good day is still going. And now it feels even better.